


The Light Beneath The Door

by Morgan (morgan32)



Series: End of the World [3]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-24
Updated: 2009-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-02 11:07:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to <em>End of the World</em> and <em>Edge of the Abyss</em>: Having escaped his slavery with Teal'c, Daniel tries to rebuild his life, and his friendship with Jack. But both men have changed and it's not an easy task.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Sleepless nights are getting to be the norm for me. It can’t be healthy, but I just don’t seem to be able to sleep. I won’t take drugs to help: I don’t care what the doctors say. I won’t voluntarily take drugs of any kind again. Ever._

_I told Paula I’d been keeping a journal and she thought it was a good idea. She’s a good counsellor, really, and I know she’s trying to help me, but there are some things I just can’t talk about. Unfortunately, those are the things she thinks I need to talk about most. It’s not going to happen._

_So I’ll write it all down, instead._

_I’m still not happy with Jack. No ... that’s an understatement. I’m furious with Jack. I guess I understand him, better than I did at first, anyway, but it’s hard for me to care right now. The day he brought me back to Earth for the second time, if I hadn’t been so weak I’d have decked him, right there on the ramp. I guess I was naive. I expected Jack to react like a human being instead of a Colonel. I won’t make that mistake again. _

_I’m not sure what’s happened to our friendship. Can we salvage anything from what’s left? Do I even want to?_

_When I stayed at his place the night before we left for Chulak I thought he was starting to unbend. Now ... it’s not obvious, but there’s a hardness in him that wasn’t there before. Not even on our first mission together, when he was so desperate to get himself killed._

_I’m getting sidetracked again. I’m supposed to be writing about what happened after we got back to Earth. After Jack locked up my lover, Teal’c._

***

There had been changes at the SGC since the last time I was there. The infirmary had consisted of two rooms before; now it took up most of one level. No longer merely a first-aid centre, it was closer to being a fully functioning hospital, with an extensive staff. That staff was headed by a woman: Doctor Janet Fraiser. My impression was of someone who a few months before I would have considered a kindred spirit. When Jack and I entered the infirmary she was bent over a microscope, evidence of hard work all around her.

She looked up as we walked in. “Colonel O’Neill,” she said briskly. She wrote something on the clipboard beside the microscope and walked toward us.

“Got a patient for you, Doc,” Jack told her.

She looked at me and nodded. “I can see that.”

Jack introduced us, then stood back, letting Fraiser do her job, but still there, watchful. She asked me to sit on a bed and started to check me over. I found myself cringing under the scrutiny.

“Better start with an MRI,” I advised.

“What makes you say that?” she asked me, frowning.

“What’s an MRI?” Jack interrupted.

I saw Fraiser’s mouth twitch, as if she was suppressing a smile. “In laymen’s terms, Colonel, it’s a brain scan. Very detailed.”

“Smart, Daniel,” Jack said. “You should probably do that,” he told the doctor. “Last time I saw Daniel he was taken prisoner by the Goa’uld. They were choosing hosts at the time.”

“I wasn’t taken for that, Jack,” I told him quickly. “They wanted me as a slave, not a host.”

Fraiser nodded. “I’ll do that MRI. But I want to take a general look at you first, Doctor Jackson.”

I let her get on with what she wanted to do: all the usual poking and prodding that Doctors get up to. I was looking at Jack. If he really thought there was a chance the Goa’uld had done that to me ... no wonder he had been wary of Teal’c. I tried to think how it must have looked to him: me best of friends with one of Apophis’ serpent guards, and I thought I understood him a bit more.

“Daniel,” Jack said tentatively, “can you tell me what happened to Skaara?”

_Skaara_ ... he was one of them, now. I shook my head. I couldn’t bear to tell Jack the truth. I still can’t. “I remember seeing him among the prisoners. I haven’t seen him since,” I lied. I’ve stuck to that story ever since. Jack’s so fond of that boy. No power on this Earth is going to make me take another son from him.

Jack looked disappointed, but understanding. “Sha’re?” he asked.

That was too much for me. I felt unexpected tears sting my eyes. “Sha’re is gone, Jack. Do you really think I’d have come back to Earth without her if I had any hope at all?”

“I’m sorry, Daniel,” he said sincerely.

“Yeah. So am I.”

For a long while he said nothing. I guess I could have started the conversation, maybe made it a bit easier for him, but I was still unhappy with him for locking up Teal’c. I waited, determined to make him make the move, not me.

“What’s with the pyjamas?” he asked suddenly.

I couldn’t help smiling. I looked down at the clothing Lyia had given me and my mood softened a little. “Don’t knock it. These are a big improvement on what I was wearing when I left Khert-Neter.” Had Jack seen me in what I wore as a slave, I think he’d have had a heart attack.

“Doctor Jackson, I need you to take your shirt off now,” Fraiser said.

I did as she asked without thinking. The clothing I wore unfastened easily, and I put the shirt on one side, wincing a bit as my aching muscles protested the movement.

I heard Jack breathe, “Jesus.”

I had to twist around to look at him. “What?” I asked him, confused. Then I saw he was staring at my back. I could have kicked myself. “Oh,” I said, lamely. I had forgotten how bad my scars would look to him.

Jack’s eyes narrowed with anger as he took in what had been done to me. “I’m going to beat the crap out of that Jaffa, then throw away the key,” he declared, his voice low and dangerous. I could tell he meant every word.

“Teal’c? You think _ Teal’c_ did this? Jack it wasn’t him! He _saved_ me, for heaven’s sake!”

“He also got you into this in the first place, as I recall.”

I couldn’t really deny that. “Fuck you, Jack. You weren’t there!”

“I don’t need to be to see...”

“_Colonel!_” Dr Fraiser snapped. Jack shut up fast. “You can be quiet and stop distressing my patient, or you can leave the infirmary,” she said firmly. Jack stayed quiet, but he didn’t take his eyes off me once while the Doctor examined me. She said very little.

I submitted to the MRI - I’d suggested it, after all - and waited for what seemed far too long while she looked over the results. Finally she told Jack I was ‘clear’. She didn’t sound certain.

“You sure, Doc?” Jack prompted tensely. He’d heard the same uncertainty I had.

She nodded. “One hundred percent, Colonel. No entry scars, and nothing in the MRI to indicate Goa’uld possession.”

Jack relaxed visibly. “That’s good to hear.”

“I’d like you to leave now, Colonel,” Fraiser told him.

“Not if I can help it.”

She looked grim. “Do you want me to make that an order?”

Right on cue, there was a call over the tannoy for Colonel O’Neill. He grimaced. “No need, Doc. I’ll be back for Daniel later.” He turned to go.

“Jack!” I called after him.

Halfway through the door, he turned back to look at me.

“What’s going to happen to Teal’c?” I asked him.

Jack’s eyes narrowed again. “He’ll be debriefed. What happens after that is General Hammond’s decision.”

“Debriefed? Is that your technical term for ‘beat the crap put of him’?” I demanded.

Jack didn’t answer the question. All he said was, “Daniel, we’re at war with the Goa’uld. We need to know what he knows.”

“I get that, Jack. But Teal’c’s English isn’t great, and you’ll get nothing from him if you approach him in the wrong way.” Jack, again, didn’t answer. “You know, Jack, I told Teal’c some things about life on Earth. Like how we respect a person’s rights. Like how we believe in freedom, not in slavery. Please, don’t make a liar out of me.”

Jack turned and left the room. I swallowed, hoping it was Jack’s decision to make. He might behave like the perfect soldier, but he’d proved to me on Abydos he had more compassion than those who gave him orders.

I turned back to the doctor. “Well? Will I live?”

She smiled, and I realised she must hear that particular joke a lot. “I think so, Doctor Jackson. Your back looks painful but there’s no sign of infection and the wounds seem to be healing. I’d like to prescribe some antibiotics, just to be sure.”

I hesitated. “I...um, I really don’t want to take pills. Not unless it’s really necessary.” Too many associations there.

I think she realised that. She looked at me for a long while, then nodded. “I can give you an antiseptic to put on it instead. But you have to promise me you’ll use it.”

“I will. Thanks.”

“Other than that, you’re seriously underweight, and I want to take another look at the MRI results before I’ll be happy. You’re not healthy, but I think you’ll recover. I need to ask you, though...” she hesitated, “how thoroughly should I examine you? You’ve obviously been through a lot.” I didn’t answer, and she asked me bluntly, “Were you raped?”

That’s why she’d wanted Jack out of the room, I guessed. The question brought back some very unpleasant memories, and it was a long time before I could answer her. Eventually I said, honestly, “Yes. Yes, I was.”

***

It was about an hour later Fraiser was finally finished with me. There was no sign of Jack, so I asked her where I could get a coffee and she gave me directions to the mess hall. Jack had made me overly conscious of what I was wearing, so I asked for some normal clothing as well. Doctor Fraiser had some plain fatigues in the infirmary: they didn’t exactly fit, but at least I was able to blend in wearing them. Jack found me in the mess hall some time later. I was staring into a cold mug of coffee, wondering what I was going to do with myself. I felt like a stranger in a strange land: I didn’t even know for sure what day it was.

Jack tapped me on the shoulder. “Time to go, Daniel.”

“I want to see Teal’c,” I told him.

“That’s not going to happen, Daniel. Not tonight. I’m sorry. I want you to come home with me.”

“Sorry?” I repeated. “You’re not sorry at all. Jack, you just don’t get it, do you?”

“I guess I don’t.”

“I want to see him,” I said again.

Jack, stubborn bastard, shook his head. “You can’t see him. Not until you’ve told us what happened to you. Those are my orders.”

“Fuck your orders.”

Jack pulled out a chair and sat down beside me. “Daniel, listen to me. There’s nothing sinister going on here. I promise you, your friend isn’t being mistreated. He’s just been locked up.”

“That _is_ mistreatment,” I said. I just wasn’t in a mood to be reasonable.

“Are you coming with me?” he asked gently.

“If I can’t see Teal’c, I want to stay here.”

He looked around the room with exaggerated emphasis. “Not the most comfortable place to sleep. C’mon, Danny.”

He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I hauled myself out of my chair and followed him.

***

The drive to Jack’s home was very silent. I wasn’t still angry, but I couldn’t think of a thing to say. I followed him into the house. This at least, was familiar. I’d stayed with Jack before when he brought me back from Abydos.

Jack offered me a beer.

I looked at the bottle. It was a while since I’d touched alcohol. With a shudder I couldn’t quite hide, I gestured a refusal.

“I thought you liked beer,” Jack shrugged.

“I did. I don’t want to drink anything that will affect my mind.”

He looked at me for a long moment, then nodded and dropped the subject.

Jack let me help him in the kitchen, which was just as well, as his refrigerator was almost empty. I’ve had a lot of practice turning scattered ingredients into an edible meal and doing it (or more accurately, showing Jack how it’s done) was good for me right then. It helped me relax. It was only after we’d eaten and cleared everything away that Jack asked me about my injuries. I think it had been on his mind since he left me in the infirmary.

I didn’t exactly want to discuss it. “I crossed a line,” I told him, hoping he’d get the hint and drop it.

Jack shook his head. “I’ve seen the damage a whip does to a man, Daniel. Those stripes on your back - that’s not punishment, it’s torture.”

“No,” I said firmly. My fist was clenched tight, as I fought off the memories his words conjured. “This was punishment. The Goa’uld idea of torture is much worse, Jack, and you can’t see the scars I have from that.” I managed to meet his eyes.

Jack was silent. His expression didn’t give anything away, but I could see he was mulling something over. Eventually, he said, “Did you tell them anything, Daniel? No one will blame you,” he added quickly. “We just need to know.”

I leaned back against the sink. “I don’t know, Jack, and that’s the truth. I don’t remember.” I met his eyes again, and was relieved to see he believed me. “Can we drop the subject now, Jack?” I begged.

“Sure. You should know ... Daniel, I’ve scheduled a debriefing for you tomorrow. If that’s too soon, just say so. I won’t let anyone push you into it.”

I shrugged, following him into the living room. “No, that’s fine. I think.”

Jack took a seat and watched me do the same. “Daniel... Look, I do understand some of what you’ve been through. If you want to talk about it...”

Talk to Jack? I wasn’t sure he would understand. “It’s okay, Jack. I’ll be fine. Your Doctor Fraiser says she knows a counsellor who specialises in this stuff. That, and this debriefing is going to be more than enough talk.”

Jack looked relieved. I wondered why, as his offer had been genuine. Maybe he has some bad memories of his own. He said, “Specialises in what? Men being kidnapped by aliens?”

Looking back, I realise that was meant as a joke. At the time, I didn’t find it remotely funny. I looked him straight in the eye and said, “No, Jack. Rape counselling.”

It was like I’d flipped a switch: Jack’s expression, his whole body language just shut down, like he threw up a shield. He said, “Fuck. I’m sorry, Daniel. I didn’t...”

I couldn’t take any more. “Just shut _up_, Jack!” I shouted. “Can we talk about something else? Please!”

“Okay. What?”

His calm response calmed me a little. “I don’t know. I don’t care. What’s this month’s big movie? Who won the Superbowl?”

Jack was silent, again. Then he smiled. “Do you like baseball? The Cubs are playing tonight.”

I relaxed. “Sounds perfect.”

What a wonderful invention television is!

***

In the morning, Jack signed us both into the base and walked with me as far as the infirmary. “Fraiser wants to check you over. When you’re done here, report to the briefing room. You remember where that is?”

I nodded. “I remember.”

Concerned, Jack reminded me, “You really don’t have to do this yet.”

“I do. You told me I can’t see Teal’c until I have.”

Jack got that impatient look he does so well and he sighed. “Yeah. Well, I can’t promise anything, but I’ll see what I can arrange for you. After the debriefing.”

“Thanks.”

Doctor Fraiser only wanted to do a basic check up: blood pressure, that sort of thing. She scrawled a few notes then turned back to me as I was pulling my shirt (borrowed from Jack’s wardrobe) back on. “Do you want me to find a surgeon who can remove that brand?” she asked.

I looked down at myself, surprised. I had forgotten it: Teal’c’s mark on my chest. “I don’t know...I’ll think about it.”

She nodded. “It will leave a scar, but we should be able to remove the mark. Tell me when you’ve decided. It’s not urgent.” She picked up her clipboard again. “Doctor Jackson, I have to submit a report of your injuries to the General. He’s asked me to make sure it’s detailed.”

I winced. I knew what she was saying. “I don’t much like that idea, but I know you have to do it,” I told her reluctantly. “I signed away my right to privacy when I joined this project, didn’t I?”

“Not entirely. What you’ve told me _is_ privileged, Daniel. All I have to report is my findings. But...there is something I need to ask you about.”

When I agreed, she showed me a series of images. “This is your MRI. It’s not as healthy as I’d like.” She pointed out a few things.

I did biology 101, but I’m not a doctor. All I really understood was she was telling me something was wrong with my brain. That was a scary thought. “Are you telling me I’m brain damaged? I feel fine,” I insisted. Suddenly I was wondering if I _did_ feel fine.

“_Damage_ is the right word. It’s not extensive, and the human brain is a remarkable machine. It finds ways to adapt to most things. What I need to know is do you have any idea what could have caused this?”

I knew. “Yes. The ribbon device.”

She frowned. “The what?”

“It’s a Goa’uld weapon. I don’t know exactly what it does, but they used it on me a couple of times. It knocked me senseless.” I swallowed, then added, “I saw...someone...killed with it once. He was bleeding from his eyes and nose.”

Fraiser nodded. “That’s consistent. Try not to worry about it for now. Let me know if you experience any symptoms at all. Even if it seems trivial. Odd smells or sounds, memory trouble, even vivid dreams. I need to know.”

“Of course.”

“One other thing: I want to see you gain some weight.”

That much, I knew. I’d seen myself in the mirror the night before, and I really was shocked by my own appearance. I didn’t even recognise myself. Jack, too, had commented on the amount of weight I’d lost. I’d been locked in a cell without food for at least four days, and after that I hadn’t been able to bear the thought of food. Too much had happened to me.

“I haven’t been eating much, I guess,” I shrugged, hoping I sounded casual about it.

She just looked at me grimly. “That has to change.”

“Can I go now?” I started for the door.

Fraiser nodded. “Absolutely. But I would like to see you before you go home.”

I stopped, halfway through the door and looked back at her. “Where’s home?” I asked.

***

Jack called it a debriefing. I call it an interrogation.

I had been prepared to lie about some things. I couldn’t bear the thought of Jack knowing about Skaara. But to conceal that, I would have to lie about some other things, too. Knowing that made me more nervous than usual, simply because I’ve never been a good liar.

I need not have worried. Jack told me later that my confession the previous night had changed his plans significantly. When I’d told him I had been raped, Jack decided he wasn’t going to let anyone else debrief me. He insisted on doing the job himself, alone, and he let me tell it my way. He even encouraged me to skip over the more painful parts of the story.

If I thought that meant I was getting off easy, I was wrong. When I finished my version of the story, Jack wanted to go back over it. Not the personal stuff: that was irrelevant to him. It was strategic information he wanted, and believe me, he was ruthless about getting it out of me. I was a slave on Khert-Neter, for heaven’s sake! What did he think I knew about the Goa’uld’s military setup? I saw the inside of Apophis’ palace and nothing else. Teal’c...now Teal’c was the one he should have been talking to. With Jack’s threat to beat the crap out of him still fresh in my mind, I was afraid to point that out.

Jack knew it, anyway.

He was thorough. He seized on details I hadn’t considered important, forcing me to remember more. He drew conclusions and asked for my opinions. _How am I supposed to know?_ was not an acceptable answer. When it was over, I felt drained. I stayed where I was as he rose to turn the recorder and camera off, not moving.

Jack came and stood beside me, leaning against the table. “I’d suggest we go get a drink, but you’ve probably had enough of my company right now.”

“I’ll be okay ... “ I started to say. Then I realised what he’d said. “No! Jack, it was rough but it was better telling you all that stuff than some stranger. I just hope I don’t have to go through that again.”

“Why would you? We covered everything, I think.”

I looked up at him, then and tried to smile. “I thought you went easy on me, Colonel.”

The promise of coffee made me agree to join him in his office for a while. I hadn’t even known he _had_ an office! Small, dark room with a desk, a telephone and a coffee machine right outside the door. It was obvious he didn’t use this room much. I drained my first coffee in silence and left the styrofoam cup on his desk when I went to get another. When I sat back down, Jack was watching me, an odd look on his face.

“You know, Jack,” I told him, “there were a couple of questions you didn’t ask.”

“There were a lot I didn’t ask,” Jack said. “Which one’s on your mind?”

I wasn’t certain I wanted to tell him, but I’d raised the issue now. “You didn’t ask me if I know the Stargate address for Khert-Neter.”

Jack was silent for a moment. He didn’t meet my eyes. “I didn’t ask because I don’t want it on the record if the answer is yes. If you give Hammond that address, he’ll dial it up as quick as he can get another bomb here.”

“You have a problem with that?”

“I do if Skaara could be somewhere on that planet.”

Skaara. My last memory of him flashed back into my head: his hands digging cruelly into my flesh as he thrust inside me... _No! That wasn’t Skaara. That was the thing inside him._ The denial didn’t help. I was lost in the memory, trapped there. My body awash with pain, so much pain I could barely see. I didn’t even have the strength to scream...

“Daniel!” I heard Jack’s voice, but it wasn’t enough. Just a part of the nightmare, a mocking promise of another world.

“Daniel!” The word was accompanied by a stinging slap. Reeling from that, I looked up to see Jack’s face inches from my own. He was kneeling on the ground beside me. (What was I doing on the floor?)

“Daniel,” his voice was soft this time, filled with concern. “Are you okay? What happened?” His hand hovered over my shoulder, as if he wanted to touch me, but was afraid.

I shook my head, trying to clear it. “I...I think I’ll be okay.”

“Think you can stand?” Jack stood, offering me his hand. Tentatively, I took it and he gripped me firmly, pulling me to my feet. “I pushed you too far, huh?”

“I think I’ll be okay,” I said again. Not exactly coherent.

Jack didn’t believe me. “You’re not. But I think you should wait before I take you anywhere. Want to tell me what happened just now?”

_Think of a lie. Quick._ “I was...um...thinking, what could have happened to Skaara. Then I felt...I don’t know.”

“Flashback?”

“I guess.”

“Didn’t look like a happy memory whatever it was.”

_I don’t have many of those_, I thought. What I said was, “Jack, when can I see Teal’c? I _need_ to see him.”

Jack frowned. “When you’ve calmed down a bit, I’ll take you to him.” He was obviously reluctant. “Daniel, you understand I have to debrief the Jaffa as well as you.”

_Debrief_ still sounded like a euphemism to me. “I know,” I said.

“It might help me if you speak to him first. I’m not going to get nasty about all this, but there are things we _have_ to know. We’re at war.”

“If he’s a prisoner of war, he has rights,” I pointed out. I wondered how far a classified military facility would be obliged to follow the Geneva Convention.

Jack nodded, reassuring me. “And those rights will be respected, I promise you. That doesn’t mean I won’t use whatever means I need to.”

“_Colonel_, you don’t even speak his language! Does anyone here, except me?” Halfway between angry and deathly afraid for Teal’c, I was on my feet again, pacing the floor. “I’ve taught him a little English, but he’s still learning, Jack. And it’s more than just language: there’s so much of our world he doesn’t even have concepts for. If you harm him ... “

“Woah, Danny! What do you think I am?”

That didn’t seem like a question I should answer. The truth was, I was no longer sure what Jack was. My friend ... I hoped. Beyond that? Not a clue. “I want to see him, Jack,” I repeated.

***

We had to walk past three locked and guarded doors to reach the cell where they were keeping Teal’c. The final door was guarded, too. At Jack’s signal, the guard opened the door, and I walked in. Jack was right behind me.

The cell was larger than I had expected. The bed was the same as every other bed on the base: metal framed and grey-blanketed, but relatively comfortable. There was a table against one wall. On the table was a tray with an empty plate and mug: the remains of a meal.

Teal’c had been sitting on the ground. As the door opened, he got to his feet quickly. His eyes met mine, silent, unreadable.

I turned to Jack. “I want to talk with him alone.”

Jack shook his head. “Daniel, there’s a security camera on this cell. Even if I leave, you won’t have privacy. You can’t.”

I’d had enough. “I don’t care about the cameras, Jack. I want you _out_ of here!” My voice was too loud. Yelling at Jack wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Jack held up both his hands, as if fending me off. “Okay, Danny. I’ll be right outside if...if you need anything.”

“I won’t need rescuing, Jack,” I told him firmly. I watched Jack as he left the room. I waited until I heard the _click_ of the lock.

I turned back to Teal’c. I was so scared of what he’d think of me. I had led him to expect freedom from this planet. He had trusted me, and followed me and it had landed him here. I knew I’d been naive, but to Teal’c it must have looked like a setup. I needed to find a way, in whatever time Jack would let us have together, to show him my feelings hadn’t changed.

I took two steps toward my lover, my former Master, then sank quite deliberately to my knees. I lowered my eyes, as I had been taught. “Master,” I said quietly.

He bent down and took my hands in his, drawing me to my feet. “No, my Daniel,” he said.

_My Daniel_. Just hearing the words aroused me. I realised then how much I’d missed him. And it had only been one day! His strong hands held mine firmly. He wasn’t letting go.

“Teal’c, I’m sorry. I should have known this would happen ... “

Teal’c interrupted me. “Do not be sorry.”

“Are they treating you well?”

He nodded gravely. “They are.” After a heartbeat’s pause, he said, “I have missed you, my Daniel.”

The next instant I was in his arms, reaching up to him, eager for his kiss. Teal’c claimed my mouth, Kissing me hard.

My memory of what happened next is a bit blurry. We lost track of time for a while, kissing and holding each other. When we finally came up for air, we were lying together on the bed. He was lying partly on top of me, mostly because the bed was so narrow. I whispered, “I missed you too ... my Master.”

We kissed again. We were both aroused. It would have been so easy to cross the line: I couldn’t have cared less about the cameras, and I don’t think Teal’c even knew. I’ve never had any control around him. If he had tried to take it further, I doubt I would have tried to stop him. Beyond making certain I could feel his desire, he didn’t try anything.

Taking another break for oxygen, I drew back from him a little. It was wonderful to be with him, but I’d come here to talk. “Teal’c, I know things must look bad at the moment. They locked you up because they’re scared...”

“I understand,” he told me. “I was your enemy.” I could hear the words he didn’t say: _I was your enemy. Now I am nothing._ He had given up his life when he followed me through the Stargate. He was a prisoner here on Earth, but had nowhere else to go.

It was an ironic reversal of our positions. When we first met, I was the prisoner. But I’d had hope. Teal’c’s only hope was me.

“Teal’c, do you trust me?”

“I do.” He said it without hesitation and I was relieved. He didn’t blame me for his imprisonment.

“Tell me what you want,” I asked.

“I want you to be safe.” His arms around my body tightened fractionally as he spoke, and I knew what he was remembering. Apophis.

“I _am_ safe here. At least for now. Apophis thinks we’re both dead, remember? Teal’c, what else do you want? I mean, for the future. Not for me.”

He considered that for a moment. “I want to free my people,” he said eventually.

It was unexpected. I thought he’d talk about fighting the Goa’uld.

Teal’c explained, “The Jaffa are slaves, not only to Apophis but to all of the System Lords. The Goa’uld are worshipped as gods, but they are not. I want my people to be free, as yours are free.”

I had told him the legend I found on Abydos, about the rebellion in Ancient Egypt. I guess it had a bigger impact on him than I thought. It took me a moment to absorb what he’d said. If that was truly his goal, there was at least hope Teal’c and Jack might find a common purpose. I knew Jack wasn’t the one with the power to release Teal’c from this prison, but I also knew I hadn’t a prayer of convincing anyone else. Jack was _my_ best hope.

“The man who came here with me - his name is Colonel O’Neill. He’s going to talk with you sometime soon, maybe today or tomorrow. Teal’c, he’s a good man. He’s one of the warriors of this world.”

“You trust him.”

“Yes, I do. He’s my friend.”

“Then I will trust him also.”

Teal’c’s unconditional acceptance was amazing. When he decides to trust someone, he does so completely. I kissed him again, feeling I could now relax some. I’d done all I could. I just had to hope Jack wouldn’t blow it. I’d begun to build a foundation: the rest was up to them.

Teal’c’s hand slipped inside the open neck of my shirt as we kissed. His weight above me was like a promise of more yet he still didn’t try to take it beyond a passionate kiss. I gave myself up to him, not knowing when I’d get another chance to see or touch him.

Then the door opened and I heard Jack’s voice. “Time’s up, Daniel.”

I tensed, breaking off the kiss and looking over to the sound. Jack stood there in the open doorway, staring at us. _Shit_. I scrambled up off the bed. “Get the fuck out, Jack.”

He turned and walked out, leaving the door wide open.

I turned back to Teal’c, kissing him quickly. “I’m sorry - I’ve got to go after him.” I couldn’t wait for a reply but left the room at a dead run. I almost ran into the guard who was about to close the cell door again.

“Jack!” I called after him. He didn’t turn around, but I caught up with him partway down the corridor. “Jack...”

He rounded on me angrily. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to stay calm. It didn’t work very well: inside I was shaking. “Jack, please...”

“I let you in there to _talk_ to him! Not dance a goddamned horizontal tango!”

That was unfair. “I wasn’t - I mean, I know it looked - “ I started to protest, but he cut me off.

“It looked like he had his tongue halfway down your throat. And it didn’t look like you were calling for help.” Jack wouldn’t meet my eyes, but I could see his anger. I couldn’t really deny it. He turned away from me, taking a breath and consciously calming himself down. When he faced me again, he was back in military mode: closed to me. “This isn’t the place to discuss it, Daniel. And I have a job to do.”

He stalked off, leaving me in the corridor, staring after him.

The television was on, but the sound was off. Some chat show was on: “average” American women airing their woes to a studio audience and half of the country on live TV. Neither of us were watching. My eyes were on the screen simply so I wouldn’t have to look at Jack. On the table, several empty beer bottles surrounded the remains of a shared pizza. Jack was sitting in his usual chair, his legs stretched out in front of him, his head back, staring at the ceiling. I was on the couch, pretending to watch TV, waiting for Jack to break the silence.

Jack’s house was the last place I wanted to be. After the scene he had witnessed earlier, however, I couldn’t just let it go. I waited until he was ready to leave and tagged along. He didn’t try to stop me, which I tried to take as a good sign. Jack had made it clear that we weren’t going to discuss the subject on the base.

Even off the base, he refused to bring it up. I knew he wanted to: the questions were there in his eyes every time he looked at me. But he said nothing. Eventually, the silence got to be too much.

“Jack,” I said. I waited for him to look at me. “I don’t understand why you’re surprised. I told you about us. I thought I did.”

His eyes narrowed. “You told me squat! You said you’d been his slave, for crying out loud!”

“I was his slave.” My words were met with silence and Jack went back to staring at the ceiling.

Then, “Jack...” “Daniel.” We both spoke at once.

I said, “You go.”

Jack nodded. He leaned forward, not quite looking at me. “A few years back - actually, a lot of years, now - just before the Gulf war, I was shot down over enemy airspace. I tried to make it out on foot, but the wrong side picked me up. I spent four months in an Iraqi prison, and they don’t treat American POWs well.”

He wouldn’t look at me when he said that. Those were some unpleasant memories.

“What I’m saying, Daniel...I may not know everything you’ve been through, but I do understand a lot of it. I know what it’s like to hurt so badly you’ll take pleasure anywhere. I know what it’s like to be that alone.”

“That’s what you think this is?” I couldn’t believe it. (Yeah, I know - I was being totally selfish.)

“Isn’t it?” he demanded.

For the first time since we’d walked into the house, he met my eyes. I tried to hold on to my own stubbornness, but it wasn’t possible, not with the way he was looking at me. Finally, I looked away. “Maybe it is,” I admitted. “I don’t think so, though.”

“You’re not going to tell me you have feelings for that Jaffa?”

I stared at him. I had told him so much that morning - obviously, he hadn’t heard a word. Before I’d really thought about it I was on my feet, yelling at him. “You think you know what prison is like, Jack? I spent I don’t know how long locked up naked in the dark. I mean, pitch dark. Chained to the wall so I couldn’t even stand. No water, no one else around. Nothing. Right when I thought I’d go crazy from it, some man showed up. He dragged me into the light, lay me over a block and whipped most of the skin off my back. Then raped me. Then threw me back in that fucking hole. And the same thing happened _four_ times, Jack!”

Jack was staring at me. I knew I was hurting him but I couldn’t stop.

“The last time, when that son of a bitch was getting ready to fuck me again, I heard a voice. Then I heard a staff weapon. The next thing I remember I was in Teal’c’s arms and all my pain was gone.”

“God, Daniel...”

“Don’t even pretend to understand my feelings unless you can match that, Jack. Because you _don’t_ understand. Teal’c risked everything for me. He _died_ for me! _Yes_, he’s responsible for some of what happened to me. But not all of it, Jack, and I owe him. You’re treating Teal’c like some kind of war criminal, when if you had half a brain you’d see he might be this planet’s best hope!”

A whole mix of emotions welled up inside me and I honestly didn’t know whether I was going to hit him or burst into tears. The thread of rationality I could still cling to advised me neither would be a good move. I did the only think I could: I turned and fled out of there.

I could barely see where I was going. I stumbled outside and down into the garden behind the house. I was shaking so badly I fell to my knees in the grass. I couldn’t breathe properly. I was taking in air, but it didn’t seem to be reaching my lungs. A split second away from panic, I felt Jack’s hands on me. He pulled me upright, pushing my lower back at the same time, forcing me to straighten up. Involuntarily, I took a huge breath and started coughing.

I came out of it slowly, and at first I barely noticed Jack was kneeling down with me, holding me. When I became aware of it I began to feel uncomfortable. Jack backed off slowly.

“Maybe I don’t understand,” he said. “But I know a panic attack when I see one. If that was my fault, I’m sorry.”

“I know,” I said. My voice was hoarse.

“What did you mean - our best hope?”

I could hardly remember what we’d been discussing. I had to think hard about the question before I remembered. “Teal’c. He was First Prime of Apophis, Jack. He knows more about the Goa’uld than any of us, and he’ll share what he knows freely if you approach him right. He hates the Goa’uld, Jack. He hates what they’ve done to his race. You should be thinking of him as an ally, not a criminal.”

Jack said nothing, but for the first time I thought he was actually listening to my point of view. Eventually, he said, “Come on in the house, Danny.”

He’s the only man who’s called me “Danny” since my parents died. I didn’t have the strength to tell him I hate that nickname. “Okay,” I agreed, and started to get up. Getting to my feet turned out to be quite a challenge. My legs felt like rubber, I don’t know why. Jack helped me up and I ended up leaning on him for support.

“Jack? Will you at least think about what I said?” I asked him as we headed toward the door.

I felt him tense. “I’ll think about it,” he said. But that brief moment of solidarity had passed, and I no longer believed he meant it.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, I showered while Jack cooked breakfast. That’s the one meal of the day he makes some effort over; the rest of the time it’s tough to convince him not to just eat whatever he can get delivered hot. I pulled borrowed clothing on over still-damp skin, rubbed my hair with a towel and combed it quickly. Looking at myself in the mirror was still like looking at a stranger.

When I reached Jack’s kitchen he was hanging up the phone. I hadn’t heard it ring. Jack told me to help myself. I really wasn’t all that hungry, but I thought he’d go straight to the doctor if I said that, so I started to eat. I didn’t say anything: I really wanted him to be the one to start a conversation. The previous night was embarrassing. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to talk about it or not. Of course, expecting Jack to start a serious conversation is a bit like expecting to get blood out of a stone.

We both ate in silence for a while. Then he pushed his plate to one side and looked at me.

“You know, I can’t figure you out. You’re not stupid. You’ve probably got more degrees than I’ve got medals. You’re not naive, either. You understand people better than I do most of the time, and you’ve been around the SGC long enough to know how military people think. So why would you do a stupid thing like that? Don’t you realise you could lose everything if that gets out?”

I assumed he was talking about Teal’c. “What do I have to lose, Jack?” I asked him. “I joined the project because I was broke and it was the only job I could get. My academic career is gone. I have no money, no family and no job. I don’t even have anywhere to live, and I’m starting to feel like I have no friends, either. What else do I have to lose? Only Teal’c. And you locked him up. I _had_ to prove to him that things haven’t changed between us, Jack, whatever the consequences. He’s the only thing I have left that’s worth fighting for.”

“I understand your loyalty to him, but...”

“It’s not about loyalty.” I stood and walked away a few paces. “Have you ever wanted another man, Jack?”

For just a second I saw something flash across his face before the O’Neill mask replaced it. He said firmly, “That’s not a question you should be asking me.”

_Don’t ask, don’t tell_, I remembered. But I had no patience for that. “I didn’t ask if you’ve ever _done_ it. I asked if you’ve wanted to. If the answer’s no, I’ll forget about trying to make you understand. Because you won’t.”

Jack was silent for a long time. He looked down at the table, not at me. Finally he said, “When I was first assigned to Special Ops, for two years I was sleeping with a man on my team. Before you ask, yeah, that was while I was married. Which I am not proud of. Is that good enough for you?”

I swallowed. “I wasn’t going to ask. I’m sorry, Jack. That’s obviously private. I had no right ... “

He shut me up with a gesture. “You had as much right as I do to pry into your private life. You thought I reacted the way I did because I hate gays or something like that. Right?”

“Something like that.”

“I don’t. You need to get that, Daniel. The next few days aren’t going to be easy.”

“What do you mean?” I was wary, suddenly.

Jack started clearing the table. “Daniel, I warned you there were security cameras in that cell. While you were in the shower I had a call from General Hammond. He wants to see both of us.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.” Jack said sarcastically. “Somehow I don’t think your passionate clinch made a better impression on the General than it did on me.”

“What are you saying, Jack? Everyone thinks I’m on the other side now?” It was a frightening thought. A very real possibility, and what would they do if they thought I was the enemy?

“It’s not all over the base if that’s what you mean,” Jack told me. I wasn’t reassured. “You can’t blame people for having doubts.”

“D-do _you_ doubt me?”

“No, Daniel. But right now I might be the only one.”

***

We drove to Cheyenne Mountain. If I could have run away - if it wasn’t for Teal’c - I would have left that day and never come back. Leaving wasn’t an option for me, however.

Jack parked the car but didn’t get out straight away. He turned to me, one of his hands on the dashboard. “Danny, tell me one thing. Are you sure about what you said last night?”

I frowned, trying to remember what I’d said. Last night felt a thousand years ago.

“I mean about Teal’c.” It was the first time Jack had used his name.

“Yes. I’m sure. You would be if you’d just _talk_ to him. _Talk_, not interrogate.”

Jack half-smiled. “Small talk is kinda tough when we don’t even speak the same language.”

I smiled back, hopefully. “I can help with that, you know.”

“No. There’s not a chance in hell Hammond will let you back in that room. Not now. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t throw you off the base.”

“But...”

“Daniel. Just let me do the talking, alright?”

Reluctantly, I nodded.

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

***

The General’s office felt cold. Or maybe that was just me. I sat in a chair, hoping I was invisible and trying really hard to keep my mouth shut while Jack spoke for me. It wasn’t easy. Hammond didn’t refer directly to what he had seen on the security tapes, but it was clear he was unhappy with me. I hadn’t lied in the debriefing - except about Skaara - but Hammond considered keeping even personal details to myself as bad as, or even worse than lying.

Jack, on the other hand, took my side, or at least, he tried to.

“General, Daniel didn’t tell us because he thought we wouldn’t trust him if he did. And he was right.”

“Then we agree,” Hammond said.

“No. You don’t know this man. _I_ do. We can trust him, General. I think we have to. Daniel’s the only connection we have to the prisoner.”

“Not so fast, Colonel. What exactly are you suggesting?”

Jack glanced at me, then back to the General. “Well, sir, last night Daniel told me we should be thinking of the Jaffa as a potential ally, not as a prisoner of war. I’m inclined to trust his judgement, as bad as the idea sounds.”

_This_ was Jack’s idea of defending me? I bit my tongue.

“...At the very least, General, it can’t hurt to try a different approach.”

“You really think that will work?” Hammond was clearly sceptical. Mind, with Jack’s presentation, who could blame him?

I couldn’t stay quiet any longer. “Ever hear the expression, ‘The enemy of my enemy is my friend’?” I demanded.

“Daniel...” Jack began.

“Don’t _Daniel_ me! I’m sick of hearing this crap! General, Teal’c hates the Goa’uld, as much as any of us. He has served them because his people have no choice. They’re slaves. If you have the guts to offer him an alternative, he’ll give you far more loyalty than he ever showed Apophis.”

Hammond wasn’t impressed. “Your judgement isn’t exactly objective, Doctor Jackson.” But to Jack he added, “I put you in charge of interrogating the prisoner, Colonel. You can proceed in any way you see fit. _But_ the prisoner sees _no one_ but you without my authorisation, is that understood?”

He meant me, of course.

Jack nodded. “Yes, sir. Understood.”

“Dismissed.” Hammond returned to whatever paperwork was on his desk, and Jack and I both left the office.

***

The room was grey, like every other room on the base. Someone had made an attempt to brighten it up: there were abstract prints on the walls and the furniture was comfortable, if plain. I was sitting on a couch, nursing a mug of coffee. Paula sat across from me, a low coffee table between us. Paula (she wouldn’t let me call her doctor, though she confirmed she had a medical degree) was - sorry, that should be _is_ \- the counsellor Dr Fraiser recommended. No one had suggested I was under obligation to see her, but I’m not entirely stupid: the events of the past two days were evidence enough that I needed some kind of help. If anyone had said _psychiatrist_ I would have refused. But that’s not what Paula does.

I liked her from the first. In the endless grey of the SGC, she was a breath of fresh air: no military uniform. She was about forty, I think, but she looked younger. She made coffee and told me a little about herself. I guess that was designed to put me at ease. We managed to talk for about ten minutes before Teal’c’s name came up. It must have been me who mentioned him first, but it was her question that made me hesitate.

I lifted my coffee with both hands and took a drink. My hands were steady. Satisfied, I put the mug down on the table and looked across to Paula. “Do we have to talk about this?”

“That’s why I’m here. But we can talk about anything you wish.”

“What if I don’t want to talk?”

“Then we’ll sit in silence. Or you can leave. Daniel, _I_ have to sit here for the next...” she checked her watch, “...forty minutes at least. Why not keep me company?”

So now I was doing _her_ a favour. I couldn’t help smiling. “Okay.”

“Tell me about your wife. How did you meet?”

_She was given to me by the people of Abydos because they thought I was a god. I probably wasn’t supposed to fall in love with her but I did and we got married and it was great. Until the real gods arrived and turned her into a demon and me into a sex-toy..._

All I said was, “I think that’s classified.” _Like everything else around here. What I had for breakfast is probably classified._

“I have full clearance, Daniel.” When I still said nothing, she suggested, “Why don’t you tell me something else about her? Think of a happy memory.”

I thought about our wedding day: the hot Abydonian sun, the merry voices of the children who crowded around both of us all day, my Sha’re’s shy smile...I had been happier that day than I’ve ever been. Every time I looked her way my heart would fill up and I could hardly believe it was real life I was living.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to show Paula how easily I cry. Even those happy memories were tainted now. I pictured my Sha’re’s smile and I heard Amonet’s voice: _“You are wasted on the Jaffa.”_

“I knew on that day it couldn’t last,” I told her quietly. “God, what an innocent I was!”

“You regret being happy?”

“I never had a family to lose before.”

I began to tell her about Sha’re.

***

That was the first of what will probably be many sessions with Paula. I’m supposed to see her twice a week for as long as the doctors think I need to. I’ve complained a lot, but truthfully I don’t mind. It’s not easy, reliving some of this stuff, but I like Paula’s perspective. She doesn’t let me feel sorry for myself.

After that first session, though, I felt exhausted. I wanted to curl up in a corner somewhere and shut the world out. It seemed unlikely there was any place under Cheyenne Mountain where I could be alone, and even if I was alone, those damned security cameras are everywhere. I ended up in the infirmary, begging Dr Fraiser for a quiet corner.

“Rough morning?” she asked me. She knew I’d spent the previous hour with Paula.

I nodded. “The roughest.”

Her eyes were sympathetic. “There are guest quarters on the base, but you’re welcome to a bed here if you’d prefer it. Do you need something to help you wind down?”

“No. I’ll be fine.”

Fraiser gave me a bed as far away from the activity as possible, but still where she would be able to see me, I noticed. I lay down. The ceiling above me was grey, just like the walls. I just wanted some alone-time, but I guess the sleepless nights caught up with me. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep.

I was woken by raised voices. Still half-asleep I turned over to take a look. There were several men at the other end of the infirmary. I didn’t have a clear view, but I could see one of them was badly injured.

I stayed where I was. There was nothing I could do to help: I’d only be in the way if I tried. Watching Fraiser take charge of the situation, I was impressed. God, that sounds so patronising! I don’t mean it that way. I just have some bad memories of doctors in an emergency room, who can’t quite cope with people milling around a patient. Fraiser wasn’t like that. She was calm and professional, did her job without telling anyone to leave, but without letting them interfere, either.

I was focussed on watching her, so at first I didn’t see one of the men looking at me. When I finally noticed I returned the look. Our eyes met and I recognised him: Ferretti. He started toward me so I sat up. By the time he reached me I was sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Hello, Ferretti.”

“When did you get back? My god..._how_ did you get back? We all thought...”

“Yeah, I know. Jack sort of rescued me a couple of days ago.”

Ferretti grinned. “Good for him! Are you okay? You look rough.”

“I’m not okay yet. I will be.”

There was an awkward silence. I could almost see the questions running through his mind: he couldn’t think of a safe one to ask me. Eventually, he said, “I’ve only just got back myself. I’ve been off-world with SG-2. You know, we brought something back that might interest you. Can’t make head or tail of it myself...”

“I’d be glad to take a look at it for you.” I smiled. “Honestly, I’ll be glad for any distraction right now.” I looked across the infirmary again and for the first time I noticed the insignia on the uniforms the other two men wore. They were both captains. “Ferretti, where’s Kawalsky? I thought he was going to command SG-2.”

Ferretti’s face froze. After a second he said, “You mean the Colonel didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

I assumed Ferretti was going to tell me his friend had been transferred or something. He looked down, suddenly avoiding my eyes. “Oh, man. Daniel...Kawalsky is dead. He...died about a week after they got back from Chulak.”

My heart skipped several beats, and I think I mean that literally.

Kawalsky. Dead. It was hard to take in. All the time I was on Khert-Neter, I had believed Jack and Sam were dead, but I’d always assumed Kawalsky and his team followed orders and escaped through the Stargate before Hammond’s deadline. All this time, I’d thought of him as living. I looked up at Ferretti. “How? What happened?”

He still wasn’t looking at me. “I...I really think you should hear it from Colonel O’Neill. Look, Daniel, I’ve got to get back to work. We’ll catch up soon, okay?”

He was gone, leaving me staring after him in confusion.

***

It wasn’t until that night I had a chance to ask Jack about it. From Ferretti - more from his attitude than from anything he said - I got the impression that I should wait until we were in private to bring the subject up so I waited until we were back at his house. By the time we got there, I had replayed my conversation with Ferretti about a hundred times in my head, and found new questions each time.

We had barely stepped through the door when I found myself asking, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jack paused in the act of hanging up his jacket and turned to me with a frown. “What didn’t I tell you?”

“About Kawalsky.”

Jack hung the jacket and went on into the living room without speaking to me. I followed, calling after him. Jack went straight to his drinks cupboard and poured himself a whiskey. It looked like a triple.

“Jack?” I said again.

He took a drink. “SG-2 got back today. I take it you talked with Ferretti.”

“Yes.” I looked at the glass in his hand. Jack was worrying me.

“What did he tell you?”

“Th-that Kawalsky is dead. He said I should ask you for the rest.” I saw Jack’s hand form a fist and I instinctively backed away.

“Son of a bitch!” Jack muttered. Then he looked at me. “Calm down Danny. I’m not angry with _you_. I’m sick of Ferretti blaming me for what happened, that’s all.”

“What happened?” I asked tentatively.

Jack drained his glass and refilled it. “Alright, Daniel. Sit down and we’ll talk.”

I sat down, more worried than before. Jack was...well, this didn’t seem like normal behaviour for him. Yet at the same time, it was familiar. It reminded me of the way he’d been when we first met.

I soon found out why.

Jack took the bottle with him and sat opposite me. “Ferretti wasn’t around when it happened, Daniel. He was still in hospital. He thinks I...maybe I should start at the beginning.”

“That usually works,” I offered.

“I told you yesterday I had an affair with a man while I was in Special Ops. That man was Charlie Kawalsky. We were real close, Daniel, friends, lovers, team-mates - they don’t come closer than that. I came _this_ close to leaving my wife for him. One weekend, I got some leave and went home. I was going to tell Sara the truth and pack my bags. But that was the day she told me we were going to have a kid.

“That changed things for me. I know I’d been a bastard, but I couldn’t leave her like that. When I reported in after the weekend, I asked for a different assignment, and got it. Kawalsky and I went our separate ways. I never told him the reason. We just lost touch.

“Then the Stargate brought us together again. When Apophis came to Earth and shot up the gate-room, Hammond questioned me and a lot of the other officers from the first mission. Kawalsky and I ended up in the same holding cell and we talked for the first time in...ten years, I guess. The night before we came through the Gate to Abydos, Kawalsky and I spent the night together. It was...like we’d never been apart. If he hadn’t wanted to stay at Ferretti’s bedside the next night, you’d have found out about us then, Daniel. I certainly wasn’t planning to sleep alone.”

I watched him refill his glass again. “Jack, I’m so sorry. I know how tough it is to lose - ”

“Shut _up_, Daniel! You don’t know anything about this!”

I shut up.

“When we got back from Chulak, Kawalsky seemed okay to me. He was complaining of headaches a lot, but we were all affected by the mission in different ways. We lost a lot of good men on that one. Two days after we got back, Kawalsky got really sick. That’s when we found out...there was...there was a Goa’uld in him.”

“Oh, god,” I whispered. Visions of Amonet and Sha’re rose before my eyes. Suddenly I badly wanted a drink myself. I choked back that impulse and stayed quiet, waiting for Jack to continue.

“It hadn’t taken over completely. Kawalsky knew what was happening to him, and he was scared. The doctors decided to try surgery, but no one thought the odds were good. His chances of living through what they had to do...” Jack stopped. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but I said nothing.

When Jack went on, his voice was stronger. He told me about his last conversation with Kawalsky, about the surgery and how relieved they had all been when it seemed like the operation was a success. He told me about Kawalsky’s rapid recovery...and that was when I realised what was coming. I knew, because of Teal’c, about the ability of a Goa’uld symbiot to heal its host body quickly, whether Jaffa or human.

Then Jack told me about Kawalsky’s attempt to escape through the Stargate. As the first ranking officer on the scene, Jack had been the one to open the security doors that the Goa’uld had somehow activated, and he was the first into the Gate-room. Just in time to stop him.

“...we fought on the ramp, and he pulled a gun on me. I managed to get the gun off him. I...I ended up holding him down on the ramp, waiting for some sort of backup. Then he quit fighting me. He looked up at me and said, ‘Jack, you promised.’

“I looked into his eyes. I told him I loved him. Then I blew him away.”

I wanted desperately to speak, to find something to say that would somehow encompass this. I couldn’t. Nothing I knew, in any language, was adequate.

Jack poured the last of the whiskey into his glass and drained it. He looked at me, meeting my eyes for the first time. “I loved him, Daniel. When he came back into my life, I was happy for the first time in I don’t know how long. The Goa’uld stole that from me. So forgive me if I don’t have much sympathy for your Jaffa.”

With that, he stood and walked out of the room. I tried to follow him, but he shouted at me, telling me to leave him the hell alone. It seemed like the best thing I could do was co-operate.

Once again, I didn’t exactly manage to sleep that night.

One sleepless night later, I thought I understood where Jack was coming from. I could relate: my wife had been taken by a Goa’uld, as Jack’s lover had been taken. He had been leading the mission when it happened, so he felt responsible, as I had felt responsible when Apophis attacked my friends on Abydos and took Sha’re and Skaara. Jack must be hurting a great deal. Made worse by the fact that he couldn’t _tell_ anyone what had been going on between him and Kawalsky, made worse by what he’d had to do in the end and made worse by me, turning up with Teal’c.

I decided I was just going to have to be understanding.

Over breakfast I tried to apologise to Jack, but he cut me off. He told me to forget it. He was in a bad mood so I just stayed quiet. We didn’t talk at all, just the inanities: pass the salt, that sort of thing. Jack drove us to Cheyenne Mountain.

I remembered my first journey to this place: I had taken a job every instinct told me to refuse because, basically, I had no choice. I had been desperate, and Catherine knew it. I had come here on one of the worst days of the year: the rain had been so heavy I could barely see the gate. I had started that day wondering what I’d gotten myself into, and by the end of it, I didn’t care. I’d been given a real puzzle to work on, an artefact no one in the academic community even knew about...

That’s all in the past. For the first time, on that silent drive with Jack, I started to really notice the country around Cheyenne Mountain. I wondered why I’d never noticed before that it was beautiful.

Jack parked the car, and walked with me as far as the first elevator. “You can find your way from here, can’t you, Daniel?” he asked me.

“Of course I can. But...”

“Good.” He turned to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he added and walked away, leaving me staring at his back.

Tomorrow? For a couple of minutes I was confused (that seems to be a normal condition for me, lately). When I remembered, I could have kicked myself. Jack had told me SG-1 had an assignment. I stepped into the elevator. What had happened to our friendship? I wondered. I had believed we were doing okay...maybe not great, but for two men with as little in common as I had with Jack, not bad. Now suddenly I felt back to square one: nothing more than an irritation to him, tolerated because I was useful, but excess baggage to be dumped at the first opportunity.

No...that wasn’t fair to Jack. He hadn’t made a secret of the fact he had very little time for me when we first met, but he had accepted me as part of his team, and he’d treated me as such.

We had both been changed by events since that first mission. I understood Jack was in pain, maybe more so than when we’d first stepped through the Gate, but _why was he blaming me_?

I had to check in with Dr Fraiser first thing, but that didn’t take long. She asked me again if I had noticed any odd symptoms. I admitted to trouble sleeping and again refused her offer of medication for that. Fraiser told me she was pleased with my progress, but when I asked when I could return to work, she avoided the question. I suppose she was right. Physically I felt better, but I was a long way from being fit. Emotionally...best not to mention that.

As a result, I was at something of a loose end when I left the Infirmary. I suppose I should have gone straight home: the SGC isn’t exactly a place to hang around if you have no business there, but I wouldn’t leave until I was ordered to do so. Teal’c was still here, even though I couldn’t see him. If I tried to see him, as I badly wanted to, I could end up making things worse for him. I thought about it for a while, then decided to go to what had been my office here. With luck, my books would still be there and I could start making something useful of my memories.

The door wasn’t locked. I hesitated with my hand on the latch: what this room contained was _me_ of a lifetime ago. Relics of a man who no longer truly existed. The door swung open at my touch. I found the light switch and flipped it on. Nothing had changed: it had become a little dusty, perhaps. Everything I had left behind was still here, my books, my computer...

“Jackson!”

I turned around when I heard his voice. “Hello, Ferretti.”

“You’re never back at work already?” he asked me. That alone told me he’d been asking around: obviously he knew more than he had the day before.

Perhaps I wasn’t meant to be here. “No...I...um...” I began awkwardly.

“Gonna manage a sentence sometime this week?” Ferretti said.

It wasn’t meant unkindly and I smiled back. “I’m kind of lost, really. The doctor won’t certify me fit for work, but how fit do I have to be? Most of my work is reading books.”

Ferretti shrugged. “Doc Fraiser knows what she’s doing. But if you’re not busy or anything ... “

“You said yesterday you had something for me to take a look at,” I remembered.

“In the lab on level twenty two. C’mon.”

Ferretti made small talk while we walked to the lab. I like him. He’s down to earth, and whatever he might have heard about where I’d been, he didn’t treat me any differently than he had before. He was a real breath of fresh air. But the things he was saying ... I had the feeling there was something more important on his mind.

I stopped him just before we entered the lab. “Ferretti, Jack told me you blame him for what happened to Kawalsky.”

Ferretti froze. “The Colonel killed him, Daniel. He tell you that?” There was an edge of anger in his voice: I knew Ferretti and Kawalsky had been close.

“Jack told me everything. At least, I think he covered everything.” Probably more than Ferretti knew, that was for sure. “Is Jack right? You think it’s his fault?”

“Daniel, it’s not open for debate. He put a gun to Kawalsky’s head and blew him away.”

Would I feel the same way, if I’d witnessed what happened rather than hearing it from Jack? I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but I don’t know. I thought of my Sha’re, taken by the Goa’uld, and of the _thing_ that now lives in her body. How would I feel if I watched someone kill her? I didn’t know, but if any part of my Sha’re was still alive...she must be living a nightmare.

“What he killed was a Goa’uld, Ferretti. If Kawalsky was still in there, Jack did him a favour.”

“Don’t say that!”

“I wish I didn’t have to. I wish it wasn’t true! Ferretti, I lived in their world. I know what they are ... what my wife has turned into ... “

“I’m sorry, man.” Ferretti spoke quietly, interrupting me.

I nodded. “So am I. That’s not my point.” I was starting to get through to him. Maybe if I -

He interrupted again. “I _heard_ you, Daniel. Now, do you want to meet the boys?” He wasn’t really giving me a choice so I nodded, and followed him into the room.

As we walked in, three men I’d never met before looked up. Suddenly I was nervous. I felt myself shrink inside ... not a normal reaction for me. I’m generally at ease meeting new people. I took a deep breath, hoping that would somehow cover for me, and headed on in.

Ferretti introduced them. “Roberts, Harris ... and the one chained to the microscope is Schafer.”

_Doesn’t anyone around here have a first name?_ I wondered.

Harris laughed. “First names aren’t big in the military.” I was mortified to realise I’d spoken aloud, but no one seemed to care. Harris just went right on talking. “I take it you’re Doctor Jackson. Roberts, why don’t you dig out that puzzle box. I’d like to know what you make of it, Doctor Jackson. We’re stumped.” With a grin he added, “For now.”

I had the feeling that was a private joke of some sort. I was grateful for the humour, ready to at least try to respond in kind. Then I saw the “puzzle box” Roberts was holding.

Roberts said, “We assume it opens, but we haven’t been able to tell how.”

“Puzzle box” was a good description ... except it wasn’t a box. A tarnished silver sphere about twice the size of a tennis ball, I could immediately see why they thought it would open in some way. There was a pattern dividing the sphere into quarters, and the indentations looked like cracks. At the top (could have been the bottom) there was a small protuberance like a button. There was writing on one of the quarters. Writing I recognised.

“The markings are Goa’uld,” I told them. “It might tell how to open it, but are you sure you want to?” Maybe it would be safe. It had obviously been in the ground a long time. I was willing to bet it was some kind of weapon, but there was a good chance it was no longer active.

“How else are we going to find out what’s inside?” Roberts asked me.

“You’d better be sure you _want_ to know. What makes you think it’s not dangerous?”

“What makes you think it is?” Roberts retorted.

“It’s Goa’uld.” I didn’t like the hostility. If Ferretti hadn’t interrupted, I think I’d have left right then.

“Point taken, Daniel,” Ferretti said. He stepped forward, not quite stepping between us, but almost. “Daniel, can you translate this?”

“In a couple of hours, I think.”

“Great. In the meantime, what else do you boys know about our new toy?”

Schafer turned away from his microscope and started talking about metal alloys. I listened to what I could follow, and started to work.

Okay, I shouldn’t have. Fraiser had told me specifically not to overwork, and I know my working patterns: I don’t know _how_ to pace myself. When I’m into something, I just keep going ‘till I fall asleep at my desk or someone drags me out of there. But doctor’s orders or no, it felt good to be using my brain again. Let’s face it, my life on Khert-Neter hadn’t been about my intelligence. These three men either knew nothing about where I’d been, or didn’t care. No one mentioned it, but it wasn’t one of those awkward avoiding-a-difficult-subject things. It just didn’t come up. I enjoyed being a scientist again.

***

Over twenty storeys below ground, the weather outside has no effect on the temperature. Outside Cheyenne mountain it was probably a hot summer night. Under the mountain, it was cool. That is, it was cool everywhere except the room where I was trying to sleep. I was overheating. Naked in the bed, covered only by a thin cotton sheet and that was too much. I was sweating too much for comfort: the mattress was damp with it. My thoughts didn’t help - a tumble of images and feelings that had just one focus: Teal’c.

I missed him.

With Jack off-world, I’d ended up with nowhere to sleep. Jack had promised to leave me his keys but he either forgot or couldn’t find me. I stayed in the lab working until late, and when I finally realised how tired I was, it was too late. Jack was gone, and I was stuck. It wasn’t too bad. I found the doctor on duty in the infirmary and he arranged for me to sleep on the base. Just as I had wanted to in the beginning, before Jack insisted on being a Good Samaritan. At least on the base I was near Teal’c, even if I couldn’t see him. I know that sounds dumb, but it was reassuring to me.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, I gave up on trying to sleep and got dressed. I wasn’t sure what rules there might be about wandering the corridors at night, but if I stayed in the room I was going to go stir crazy. I figured if I ended up somewhere I shouldn’t be, someone would tell me.

After a minute or two, I passed a security centre: a small room filled with television screens, each displaying a different part of the facility. There was an airman inside, watching the screens. The door was open, so I asked him where the nearest coffee machine was. He gave me directions and asked me if I could carry two cups. I took the hint.

It was only when I returned with his coffee that he noticed I wasn’t in uniform. He asked me if I was supposed to be there. What was I supposed to say to that? As far as I knew, I wasn’t, technically. “I’m Daniel Jackson,” I told him, hoping that would answer the question.

He looked surprised. “You used to be on SG-1, right?”

“If one mission counts, yes,” I agreed.

He pulled out a spare chair and I sat down, handing him his coffee. “You’re the one who captured that Jaffa,” he told me.

“Captured?” If I hadn’t been so tired, I would probably have found that funny. The idea that I, in my present physical condition, could have “captured” Teal’c was laughable. As it was, I wasn’t amused. “Is that what people are saying?”

He nodded. “I’d like to know how you did it.”

“I didn’t. He’s ... “ I bit my tongue on the truth. It wasn’t a good idea. “We were both slaves of Apophis. We escaped together.” True ... but a lie just the same.

Only now, when I’m trying to write about it, do I realise I never once asked the man’s name. Where on earth were my manners that night? He was friendly and interested in what I had to say: I was probably the only excitement he could expect on the night shift. When we’d been talking for a while, I noticed that the images on the screens changed every so often. I asked him if he could bring up a picture of Teal’c’s cell.

He could, and did. The picture was clear. More clear than it should have been at night. “Have they left a light on in there?” I asked him.

He barely glanced at the screen. “No, it’s nitevision enhanced. No point in recording darkness, is there?”

“I guess.” I was transfixed by the picture. Teal’c was sleeping. At least I knew he was alright.

“Do you think he’ll tell us anything?” the airman asked.

“He’s my friend,” I said quietly. “I know it makes no sense to you - you’ve been fighting the Goa’uld. I wasn’t. I was their prisoner, and Teal’c was the one bright thing I saw in a world of darkness. He could have had a good life, but he abandoned that to come with me. And look how they treat him!”

“He’s the enemy.”

I took a couple of deep breaths and a swallow of coffee to calm myself. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Seems to me you’ve got it rough. But,” he jerked his head toward the monitor, “so has he. The Colonel is the most stubborn man alive and he’s really down on the Goa’uld.”

“He told me.” _Forgive me if I don’t have much sympathy for your Jaffa._ I swallowed more coffee.

“Another coffee?” he offered.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

While he was gone, I stayed watching Teal’c on the monitor, watching him sleep. I missed him. Missed him so much it was wearing a hole in me...I missed his voice and the way he said my name, I missed his solid strength, I missed his touch...

That’s when it hit me.

I’ve denied my feelings for the longest time, because of who he was: the man who had stolen my life. _My only love sprung from my only hate, Too early seen unknown and known too late._That’s Shakespeare, I think. Maybe. Whoever wrote it, he might have understood my feelings. I wanted so badly to hate Teal’c, but love had grown within me just the same, ignored, denied...inevitable.

Love. Neither of us had spoken the word. I didn’t need him to say it to know he loved me. What else could lie behind all that he had done? He left his home, his family, his life. He followed me through the Stargate because he’d seen me wounded, _knowing_ Apophis would hunt him down, planet to planet if necessary. Knowing that in attempting to save my life, he was giving up his own.

And I loved him, in return.

I loved him. I reached out toward the screen where I could see his face. Then I jumped back as the airman returned with coffee.

“I think I’ll take this back to bed. Maybe I can sleep now.” I accepted the coffee and wished him goodnight. Then I fled back to my room.

***

_I guess it’s all down to Jack. The General has put him in charge of “the prisoner”. They can’t even call him by name. God forbid: that might make him a person. He’s a prisoner, or “the Jaffa” to them._

_The military stinks. No, I want to use a term stronger than that...but maybe I shouldn’t put everything in writing. Just in case._

_Discovering you love someone is supposed to be a happy event. Not this time. Oh, I tracked down the quote that was on my mind earlier: “My only love sprung from my only hate.” It’s Romeo and Juliet. How appropriate. I hate to sound cynical, but I think this love is as doomed as theirs. Jack has the power, Jack gets to make the choices, and Jack hates the Goa’uld. He’s decided in his own mind that Teal’c’s one of them._

_He’s slammed the door in my face, and all I can see of the future is that thin crack of light beneath the door. _

_Well, Jack, you might be a Colonel, but you’re not God. Teal’c protected me in his world; I owe him no less now he’s in mine. I’ll find a way to take this higher if I have to._

_...Though it might be a good idea to reason with Jack one more time._


	3. Chapter 3

A lot has happened since I wrote the above. Reading back over it now, I’m amazed I couldn’t see what was coming. I can be incredibly stupid, sometimes.

A few days after Jack and SG-1 came home, I was summoned to a meeting in the main briefing room. The meeting wasn’t a surprise: Jack and others had been preparing for it since his return, but I’d been given the impression I wasn’t going to be there. I walked into that room more nervous than I’ve ever felt in my life. Most of the faces around the table I knew. Jack and General Hammond, Doctor Fraiser and Doctor McKenzie. Another man I didn’t know was wearing a Colonel’s uniform. He wasn’t part of the SGC: he was from some other department. His interest in all this wasn’t made clear to me.

The room contained a long conference table and all the usual accoutrements of such things. There was a US flag at one end of the room, and one wall was largely glass: the room has an amazing view of the Stargate below. That day, I barely glanced at the Gate. What was said in this room was going to determine what happened to Teal’c. I wouldn’t have been so nervous for myself. I reminded myself to keep my mouth shut, and tried to look relaxed while Jack gave his report.

Jack’s summary of events seemed fairly accurate to me. “...their stories match, as far as I can tell. I have no reason to doubt the facts. Daniel was my friend before this happened, General, and he’s the same man now he always was. My recommendation is to trust him. The Jaffa, I’m not so sure.”

“Jack!” I protested. All heads turned to me.

Jack shot me a look that very clearly said _shut up_. He went on, “He says all the right things, but I can’t tell whether or not he means a word.” Jack glanced at me again: I took the hint and stayed quiet. “General, I’m not objective here. You know that. Part of why I can’t read this guy is we don’t speak the same language. He knows a little English, we can communicate, but that’s it. It’s not enough to make a recommendation.”

Well, that was better than nothing, I decided. I knew Jack’s inclination was to throw away the key. I knew, too, that he was trying his best here. But the ultimate decision wasn’t his to make.

Hammond said, “Thank you, Colonel. Doctor Jackson, your opinion _will_ be heard in turn.”

I swallowed. “I’m sorry, General.”

“Doctor McKenzie.”

I don’t like McKenzie. I don’t generally take an instant dislike to people but he’s certainly an exception. A psychiatrist, not a medical doctor, when I met with him he seemed intent on proving to me I was unstable in some way. Not the best way to win friends. As a result, I probably came across as too hostile or defensive...I don’t know. All I know is I instinctively didn’t like him.

McKenzie shuffled his notes. When he spoke, it was direct to Hammond, not to everyone at the table. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to Teal’c. My opinion is based only on what Doctor Jackson has told me.”

_Here it comes,_ I thought.

“Doctor Jackson has lived through an ordeal that, frankly, most men wouldn’t have survived. He needs time to recover, but in our conversations I have found him to be both intelligent and stable.”

He talked about me like I wasn’t there. Even hearing a compliment, it was hard to listen.

“I couldn’t certify him fit for military duty, but it will benefit him to return to work in a civilian capacity. As for Teal’c, Doctor Jackson is consistent on this point. He believes Teal’c can be trusted, and he feels we are making a serious mistake in not doing so. This is largely motivated by his fear of the Goa’uld, but from what I’ve heard in this room that fear is not only justified, it’s also shared by everyone here.”

“True enough,” Jack commented. I was glad he’d said it for me.

“In conclusion, Doctor?” Hammond prompted.

“The bottom line: the only man in this room who knows the prisoner well enough to judge him is Daniel Jackson. In my opinion, he is competent to make that judgement.”

_That_ took me by surprise. McKenzie had left me thinking he was going to report the opposite. My opinion of the man went up a notch.

Hammond, however, wasn’t convinced. “Doctor, it’s known for a prisoner to be influenced by his captors, isn’t it?”

McKenzie nodded and I held my breath. “Yes, it is. We call it Stockholm Syndrome. But that doesn’t apply here.”

“I’d like a little more explanation than that.”

“Stockholm Syndrome is when a kidnap victim becomes sympathetic to the cause of the kidnapper. Doctor Jackson and Teal’c have developed a close bond, but Doctor Jackson’s allegiance hasn’t changed. He still considers the Goa’uld the enemy. Secondly, when I met with Doctor Jackson, _he_ brought that subject up himself. He shares some of your concerns about his objectivity. My recommendation takes that into account.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Hammond nodded, then turned to me. “Doctor Jackson.”

I tried to breathe normally again. Hammond didn’t seem open to persuasion. It felt like a game ... or a formal dance where every move was carefully orchestrated. But I had to play my part. I hadn’t really prepared any sort of presentation. So ...

“Jack summed up the facts, General. I think it’s obvious how useful Teal’c could be to us. He won’t share information if he perceives himself as a prisoner: that’s a cultural thing. A Jaffa will die before giving in to coercion. But if we _ask_ for his co-operation, we’ll get it.

“He doesn’t know everything. He can explain what Goa’uld technology does, but not how it works: to him, it’s magic. General, Teal’c is telling the truth when he says he wants to join our fight against the Goa’uld. They’ve enslaved his race for thousands of years, and he hates them for it. I don’t expect you to hand him the keys to the city, but can’t you give him a chance?”

“The problem,” Hammond told me, “is there’s no room for error here. If he _is_ still loyal to Apophis, giving him any chance at all would be - “

“Stupid. I know. All I can tell you is I know, absolutely, that he isn’t. But I don’t know how to convince you of that.”

Silence. I kept my eyes on Hammond.

Finally, he looked away. “Does anyone have more to add?” No one did. Hammond stood. “Thank you for your time. I’ll let you know when I’ve made a decision. Dismissed.”

I stayed where I was while everyone began to leave the room. “General.” He turned back to me. “May I see him?”

Hammond seemed to think about it. “Yes, Doctor Jackson, you may. Colonel O’Neill?”

Jack was halfway out the door. He turned back and said, “I’ll...chaperone. C’mon, Daniel.”

***

As a prisoner, I know Teal’c was treated far better than I had been on his world. But the word will always bring Apophis’ dungeon to my mind. The thought of anyone being subject to that ... I can’t bear it. Walking down there with Jack, just like the first time I was instinctively afraid of what I’d find.

Teal’c stood as the cell door swung open. “Colonel O’Neill,” he said. Then he saw me.

He looked good. Oh, more than good to my eyes: I’d been longing to see him for so long. It took a willpower I didn’t know I possessed to keep me from running into the cell.

“Jack, can we be alone?” I sounded a lot calmer than I felt.

The answer was the one I’d expected. “No can do, Danny. Not this time.”

I walked into the cell and heard Jack close the door behind us. When I reached Teal’c, we both hesitated for a moment. I’m not sure why: I know I didn’t care about the audience, and it wouldn’t have occurred to Teal’c. Then I was in his arms, and we were kissing each other hungrily. I can’t describe how _right_ it felt to be with him. The moment we touched, it was like I was whole again, as if he was a part of me I hadn’t known was missing.

“Danny,” Jack said warningly.

I pulled away from Teal’c long enough to snap, “If you don’t like it, turn your back.” It was just a kiss ... but it felt like so much more. I couldn’t get enough of him. I no longer questioned my feelings, I no longer cared if what I felt was illogical. I loved him. That was enough.

It was Teal’c who broke away from me.

“I missed you,” I said. I used his language, for the sake of privacy.

“Daniel,” Teal’c replied. He can say so much with one word.

“They’re trying to decide what to do with you. I don’t know what will happen.” I felt Teal’s tension in his body; he didn’t show it any other way.

He sat down on the bed gesturing for me to join him. “I see. Is this the last time I will see you?”

He was asking if he would be killed.

My throat tightened up at the thought and I couldn’t speak. How could he stay so calm, if he believed that was a possibility? Finally I shook my head. “No...I don’t think so. It’s not like that. I’m here because they decided to trust _me_.” I wanted to offer a more definite reassurance, but I wouldn’t - couldn’t - lie to him. I didn’t think it would come to that, but it wasn’t impossible that the Air Force would decide to just make the problem go away. I did not believe Hammond would do that, but if Teal’c were to leave the SGC as anything other than a free man...

“You are afraid,” Teal’c said.

“I am...a little.” I kissed him again. “There’s something I want to tell you.” He simply waited for me to go on. “I love you, Teal’c.” There was so much I didn’t know about him: I hadn’t a clue how he would react.

He looked at me for a long moment, then said, “And I you, my Daniel.”

I kissed him again. I could say more that way. He held me against him and kissed me as if it really was the last time ... stealing my breath entirely. I felt my body react, but, remembering Jack’s silent presence, did nothing about it. When we finally parted I could see my desire mirrored in my lover’s eyes.

I couldn’t speak above a whisper. “I mustn’t stay long.” _Because if I do I’ll start tearing your clothes off._ “I’ve done everything I can, Teal’c. They’ll tell us soon what will happen.”

“Then I must wait,” Teal’c said stoically.

***

We didn’t find out that day.

While I waited, I had to try to get on with my life. I resolved not to dwell on the worst case scenario and hoped for the best. Maybe it would be alright. Teal’c would be freed and we could start to make a life together.

Jack and I left the SGC early because I was looking for an apartment. Jack - I was still unsure about our friendship, but things _seemed_ to be back to normal - was helping me. We stopped for a quick meal then drove out to the place we were going to view. It was a nice neighbourhood and I liked the building. Security was good, the building was clean, had its own laundry and was near the most important stores. The available apartment was on the fourth floor. It needed redecorating, that was for sure. Still, it wasn’t too bad, the rent was right, and best of all it was partly furnished already.

The smaller of the two bedrooms was lined with shelves. The lighting in there wasn’t great, but with some work it would make an ideal study. The larger bedroom was great. Except there was no bed anywhere in the apartment. Would that be expensive? I had no idea: I hadn’t thought about it.

I decided I liked the apartment. After the two-dollar tour was complete, the woman from the agency was anxious to close the deal. I hesitated: I really did want it, but until I’d heard from Hammond I didn’t want to commit to anything. Everything was too uncertain.

I don’t know if she believed me when I promised I’d call.

Jack started the car. “Home?”

“I guess.”

“What did you think of the place?”

I was watching the streets go by as Jack drove. “The apartment’s great. It needs a lick of paint...”

“You think? Isn’t the just-hit-by-a-bomb look the ‘in’ thing?” Jack’s sarcasm was accompanied by a quick smile. Then he groaned. “Look at the traffic. It’s going to take forever to get home.” The car slowed to a crawl as we approached the intersection.

I managed to return his smile. “I’m in no hurry. Jack...the stores will still be open. If you don’t mind, I’d like to look at some beds. What does a king-size cost these days?”

Jack made an irritated sound as the traffic ground to a halt. He turned to look at me. “Daniel, do you really believe you and your Jaffa are going to get to play house?”

Jack’s cynical question shot straight to my worst fears. I stared at him. “My god, Jack. If there’s no _chance_, why in hell am I bothering? You’re telling me they’ll never let him go?”

Suddenly, he was all concern. “Danny, I didn’t mean...”

“Quit calling me that!” I fumbled for the car door and got out. Lucky for me the car wasn’t moving at the time! I heard Jack calling after me but I kept walking. I just had to get out of there.

Had it all been for nothing? If Jack was telling the truth I’d been better off on Teal’c’s world.

Jack was driving along next to me, keeping pace. With one hand on the wheel he leaned over toward me. “Come on, Daniel. Get in the car and let’s talk.”

“Fuck off, Jack! I thought you were my friend. I guess I forgot you’re a Colonel first.” I started to walk faster: a futile gesture, given that he was driving, but the next thing I knew he was gone.

I walked.

I was angry, and hurt, and anything but rational. I walked for hours, through streets I didn’t know, not even stopping to think I was hopelessly lost. Even when it started to rain, I kept walking.

Only when it began to get dark did I start to worry. I found a public park and sheltered under the trees for a while. I knew I couldn’t stay there all night, but where else could I go? I couldn’t call Jack.

Betrayal hurt. A lot. I had trusted him. I had really believed he was trying to help me.

I don’t remember much more of that night. Now, looking back, I know I was sick. I can think back and see all the warning signs I’d ignored. I wasn’t well before that night, but the rain must have made it worse.

Eventually, I did try to call Jack. I had some quarters in my pocket and I found a phone booth. I started to dial, but I had forgotten his number.

That’s all. I don’t remember any more.

***

A long nightmare followed. My memories aren’t coherent. I was back in Apophis’ dungeon, but this time it was Jack who held the whip, Jack who raped me over and over, with Amonet’s laughter echoing around us. I escaped through the Stargate, but I never reached the other side, trapped forever in that rushing cold. I was locked in a cage, people staring as they passed. There’s more...I remember pain and fear and the heat of flames. I called out for the only person I trusted to save me, my lover and my master. But Teal’c was gone: they had taken him from me.

Among all that, I do have a few clear memories. Bright lights. Someone holding me down while I fought. Jack’s voice.

And something else. A touch, a warmth. My love, sending the nightmares away.

***

I woke in Teal’c’s arms. At first, that was the only detail I noticed. It was certainly the only one that mattered. I came out of the nightmare or delirium and I could feel his strength surrounding me. I could smell his skin. I opened my eyes.

He was holding me, looking down into my face. He gently brushed my hair back out of my eyes. “My Daniel,” he said.

“What happened?” I tried to ask. My voice wasn’t working properly. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Where are we?”

Doctor Fraiser answered. “You’re in a military hospital, Daniel.”

Completely confused, I tried to sit up. “How...?”

“Easy, Daniel. You’re still very weak.”

I had noticed. I barely had the strength to raise my arm. I relaxed again in Teal’c’s arms. If this was a hospital, how was Teal’c here? Teal’c was dead. No...that was the dream. Was I still dreaming?

“How much do you remember, Daniel?”

I thought back. Everything was strange. “I...I was lost. Had a fight with Jack. That’s all. What happened?”

“Later,” she said gently. Get some rest, Daniel.”

Why do doctors always say that when you’ve only just woken up? I didn’t want to rest, I wanted to _know_. But I was tired, and I felt safe, with Teal’c right there. I took the Doctor’s advice and slept.

***

The next time I woke, Jack was there. I mean, he was there as well as Teal’c, not in his place. I don’t think Teal’c had moved at all, while I slept.

“Well,” Jack said, “you gave us all a scare.” The words were casual - typical Jack - but behind them I could hear his relief. It confused me: I knew I’d been sick, but ... actually there were a lot of ‘buts’. Too many questions for me to focus. I tried to think of something to say, then remembered he’d said something first.

“I...I did?” I said.

“Daniel, the Doc thought we were going to lose you.” Jack was looking right at me when he said that. I felt Teal’c’s hand, resting on my arm, clench. That more than anything convinced me Jack was telling the truth.

“Jack...what happened? I don’t remember.”

“I got a phone call from you in the middle of the night, but you weren’t coherent enough to tell me where you were. Over the phone, I thought you were drunk, not sick. So I looked in all the wrong places. When I finally found you, you’d passed out. I had orders to report any health problems you had to Doc Fraiser, but I had to get you to a hospital fast. An ER doctor would have asked too many questions, so I brought you here.” He hesitated, leaning toward me. “Daniel...that was nine days ago.”

“Nine days?” I repeated stupidly. I’d lost a whole week?

Teal’c said, “You were extremely ill, my Daniel.”

“He’s right,” Jack confirmed. “The Doc did all the usual things but you just kept getting worse. Coupla times, when I’ve been in trouble, needing to see my family again got me through. So I figured you needed Teal’c.”

My eyes filled with tears. I kept them shut, not wanting Jack to see that. “Thank you,” I croaked.

Gently, Jack said, “Daniel, he has to leave now.”

Teal’c was a silent presence in the room, the warmth of his body beside mine, his arms around me. And now I was awake and could appreciate it, they were going to make him leave? “No. Please?”

“I don’t mean leave the hospital, Daniel, just the room. He has been here with you for days. He hasn’t slept.”

“Oh. Okay.” Teal’c’s hand was within mine. I looked up at him, near to tears again. “I’m better, Teal’c. You should go with Jack.”

His hand tightened on mine. In his own language, he said, “On my world, you would have died.” There was real fear in those words.

I tried to smile. (I think I even made it.) “I’ve been dead before, my master. I’m better now.”

Teal’c brushed the hair out of my eyes again. I began to wonder how badly I needed a haircut. “You must sleep too, my Daniel.”

“I will.”

***

According to the doctors, I’d had flu. I’m not about to argue with them, but I’ve had flu before: it was never like that. Janet - Doctor Fraiser - told me I was physically weak already, so the virus hit me harder than would be normal for a man of my age. Whatever. All I know is I was totally out of it for nine days, and it was another week before I could walk even as far as the bathroom without help.

I’m not good at being ill. I mean, being injured isn’t fun, but I can handle that. This illness - feeling weak for no obvious reason, feeling tired all the time, needing help to piss for heaven’s sake! - I can’t take. The only thing that stopped me going nuts was having Teal’c around.

Paula, my counsellor, called in on me a few times. She told me I could still talk with her from a hospital bed, unless I thought I no longer needed her. I still needed her. Being ill brought back some of my worst memories of slavery. With Paula’s help, I finally began to work through some of those memories. It’s going to be a long time before I can really put it behind me, but now I know I can. With help.

I never asked why Teal’c was with me. The hospital wasn’t the SGC: it seemed impossible he should be there. I didn’t question, irrationally I was afraid that if I drew attention to him, he’d be gone again.

When I was starting to feel better - by which I mean when Janet finally let me out of bed - Jack took me for a walk, for fresh air, he said. I wasn’t able to walk far, yet, but that didn’t matter: Janet wouldn’t let me off the ward unless I was in a wheelchair. I knew Jack wanted more than just a walk, because he insisted on taking me alone. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and the hospital grounds were green and full of flowers. Not great for my hay fever, but I didn’t really notice. It did feel good to be outside. Jack found a low wall and sat down. I waited, looking up at the clear blue sky. Whatever was on his mind, he would tell me when he was ready.

He was shredding a blade of grass in his fingers. “Daniel...do you remember what you said to me, the night you got sick?”

“I remember.”_ Fuck off, Jack! I thought you were my friend. I guess I forgot you’re a Colonel first._

“You were partly right, you know. I _am_ a Colonel before I’m anything else. I see a threat like the one from the Goa’uld, I do my job, whatever the personal consequences.”

_Like leaving a nuclear bomb to kill the people on Abydos_, I remembered. I stayed quiet, waiting for him to go on.

“I know what I said, Daniel, and I know why you were angry. But you’ve got to know, it wasn’t inside information or anything like that. I was just being cynical.”

“You were convincing.”

“I know. But if you’d died, Daniel...”

_You would have blamed yourself, wouldn’t you?_ Just as Jack blamed himself for his son’s death (well, I didn’t know the details of that, maybe he had reason), and for Kawalsky’s death. _Whatever the personal consequences,_ he had said. What he’d had to do to Kawalsky was pretty damned personal.

“Jack, it wouldn’t have been your fault. I’m the one who got mad and walked away.”

“Yeah, I know. Who’d have guessed you’ve got a temper, huh? But that’s not what I want to talk to you about.” He dropped the shreds of grass onto the ground and looked at me. “You remember the apartment we were looking at? You liked it, didn’t you?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. It’ll be gone by now.”

“I rented it. On your behalf.”

“What?”

“It’s a short lease, renewable. If you want to look for somewhere different you can.”

“The apartment is fine, Jack. But why...?”

“There’s also your job at the SGC. That’s waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to come back to work. Not SG-1, obviously, but research or translation...” he grinned at me suddenly, “Whatever it is you do with all those rocks. Assuming you want to come back.”

“I do. I need a job, and the SGC is the chance of a lifetime.”

“Good. We need you.” Jack fell silent.

That was the prologue...now maybe he’d get to the point. I waited, but Jack was suddenly finding the flowers very interesting. “Jack...?”

He looked back at me.

“That’s not why you brought me out here, is it? You could have said all this inside.”

He smiled. “Sharp as ever, aren’t you? We need to talk, Daniel. About Teal’c.”

_Teal’c. _Not _the Jaffa_. “I’m listening.”

“It’s a difficult situation, Daniel. By our laws, he’s at worst a war criminal, at best a defector. As one we can charge him and lock him up for life, the other we decide to trust his information and still keep him in a secure facility. Or we can send him back through the Stargate. That’s the reality.”

“Jack...”

“No, don’t interrupt me. You need to understand this.” He waited; I didn’t interrupt again. “The other side of the coin is _your_ story of what happened when you escaped from Apophis. If we believe your story, and I do, that makes Teal’c a refugee. The General was _not_ happy when that was brought up.

“Daniel, I’m always suspicious of these things. When you showed up claiming he was a friend, you’ve got to admit it looked all wrong. I couldn’t decide to trust him based only on your judgement - you were less objective than I was.”

“I’d call it about even,” I said dryly.

“Maybe. What I’m saying...I wasn’t sure until you got sick. I had to call in a lot of markers to bring him here, but I’m glad I did. Seeing him with you convinced me.”

I didn’t know what to say. Even now, I have only the sketchiest idea of what happened. I know that when Jack first brought Teal’c into the hospital, he thought he was bringing him to my deathbed. Or maybe Jack exaggerates a little, I don’t know. Apparently, when Teal’c was with me, I started to get better. I vaguely remember that. According to Jack, Teal’c refused to leave my side. Janet tried to tell him there was a danger of infection but he simply told her he wasn’t in danger. He stayed with me, every minute, from the moment he walked into the room to the moment I woke up. Five days.

“Anyway, after that, Hammond and I worked out a deal. This is important, Daniel. I’d like to wait until you’re stronger, but I can’t.”

“I’m listening,” I said again.

“You’ve got to understand that this is an impossible situation. The security issue alone is a nightmare. We _can’t_ just let Teal’c walk out of Cheyenne mountain without any safeguards. He’s not even human.”

“I get it.” It was my turn to find the flowers fascinating. I was shaking inside, not knowing what Jack was going to say.

“Here’s the deal. Hammond has agreed to treat him as a refugee. That means he can live and work in the USA, he can stay here permanently if he wants to. No, let me finish. There are strings attached.” Jack paused for breath and I didn’t dare to breathe. “Two conditions: first, he has to either live on the base or with you.”

“You think that’s a _problem_?” I started breathing again. It was a huge weight off my mind.

“Daniel!” Jack snapped. “Will you let me finish for crying out loud! I know it sounds like just what you wanted, but you have to think about this. If you agree to it, you’ll be stuck with it. For at least a year, maybe a lot longer. It’s a ball and chain. You don’t want to be stuck in a bad relationship like that, Daniel.”

“Is that what you’re worried about? It’s okay, Jack. Trust me.”

“I do.”

“So what’s condition two?”

“Teal’c has to accept a job at the SGC. It isn’t important what - he could be your assistant or something. But taking a job will mean he’ll be bound by contract to keep what he knows classified. That’s our safety net.”

“Sounds reasonable,” I lied. Teal’c, my assistant? It was a ridiculous thought. He’s been a warrior all his life and they want to chain him to a desk! On the other hand, his usefulness in the SGC was his knowledge of the Goa’uld. Combined with mine, we should make a good team.

It still sounded like a dumb idea to me.

“Have you discussed this with Teal’c?” I asked Jack.

“No. I need you to do that. We have this language problem and it’s important he understands what he’s getting into. If you both agree, that is.”

“If we do, he’s free to go?”

Jack nodded. “Under those conditions, yes.”

If I could have danced, I would have. I didn’t even have the strength to stand. “I’ll talk to him. Jack...thank you.”

Jack stood up and started to push my wheelchair again, heading back inside. “Oh, there is one other detail,” he said suddenly. “Kind of an important one. I should have mentioned it before.”

“What’s that?” I asked warily.

“You still need to buy a bed.”

It hurt to laugh.

It hurt more when the laugh became a cough, and panic set in as I doubled over in the chair, trying to take a breath. I was desperate for oxygen but somehow I just couldn’t breathe in. Jack’s hands dragged me upright, roughly. Air seared into my lungs and I started to cough again. It was a while before I could look at Jack.

“Are you alright, Daniel?”

On the surface, it was a stupid question. My throat and lungs were painful, as if the air I’d been breathing had burned a path into me. When I met Jack’s eyes, I realised he was asking about more than just that.

I nodded. “I haven’t been alright for a long time, Jack. But I will be.”

***

Teal’c agreed to Hammond’s conditions. Obviously. The alternatives had been made extremely clear, and this was the only way we could be together. That was what mattered to us both. After all, it wasn’t a bad deal, was it? On the surface, it was a great offer: we had to live together, and money wouldn’t be a problem: a job came as part of the package. Yes, it was exactly what I wanted. Except I wanted Teal’c to have the choice.

It was more than I had any right to expect. I had honestly believed Teal’c would be welcomed by the SGC. What had I thought - he’d end up joining SG-1 or something? Fantasy. The US military just doesn’t work that way.

A few days after my talk with Jack, I was well enough to leave the hospital. I wanted to go home, to start making it a home. Janet wasn’t happy, but she said I’d be okay as long as I wasn’t alone.

Janet. She became a really good friend in those few days. Unprofessional, she called it, getting too close to her patient. I didn’t see it that way. I was grateful to have a friend. I asked her to come to dinner...when I’ve bought a dining table. She’s one of the few people who made a real effort to communicate with Teal’c, too. She commented to me once that his language sounded similar to Arabic - and she’s absolutely right. I think the root languages are the same, though Teal’c’s language isn’t all that close to modern Arabic, which is the language Janet knows. (I asked: she wouldn’t tell me where she learned that.) She has a talent for communication, though, and by the time I left the hospital she and Teal’c could talk to each other without my help. Yeah, I’m glad to have her as a friend.

Janet helped me buy a bed.

And the day I left the hospital (it was two days after my birthday: I didn’t realise until the following morning when I saw the date on a newspaper) she drove Teal’c and myself home.

***

The tour of the apartment didn’t take long: living room, complete with peeling wallpaper, soon-to-be study, kitchen, bathroom...bedroom. The complete tour would take longer. Teal’c had a lot to learn about our world, but I was going to enjoy teaching him. He had asked me to “show him the world”. There was no way I’d be back at work for at least another two weeks, so I could start his world tour with the local neighbourhood. In the morning.

There are no beds on Khert-Neter. I had learned to sleep on a pile of cushions on the floor. Once used to it, I’d found it very comfortable. That was Teal’c’s way. Since I had brought him to Earth, Teal’c had been forced to learn our way: sleeping on a bed. When I’d compared the two during my conversation with Janet, she had the perfect compromise. Our new bed was a futon.

I lay back on it, looking up at my lover. “Are you going to join me?”

“There are more important things, my Daniel. You are still weak.”

“Never to weak for that, my master.” I looked up at him: I knew he wanted me. “I’ve missed giving you pleasure. I have missed _you_, Teal’c.”

He knelt on the futon beside me. “And I you, my Daniel.” He leaned down and kissed me, slow and gentle. “In this world, you have told me, no man can own another.”

“That’s true,” I agreed.

“Then you should not call me _master_.”

Once again, he had surprised me. He was absolutely right, of course. We had been speaking in his language: it wouldn’t have occurred to me to call him “master” in English. “I don’t mean it that way, Teal’c. No one _owns_ me.” I smiled up at him, accepting yet another truth. “But I do like to think of you that way ... in the bedroom, anyway.”

Teal’c reached out, cupping my face with one hand. It was such a gentle gesture. Then, with the slightest of smiles (he _does _smile, really. You just have to look for it _really hard_), he stood and began to undress. I watched him remove his shirt, revealing his magnificent body. Not wanting to be left behind, I started to unbutton my own shirt.

“Wait,” Teal’c told me. I obeyed, watching him strip instead. By any standards, Teal’c is stunning. I remembered my first day on Khert-Neter I had compared him to a Greek athlete. Maybe Greek god would be more like it. He stood over me, and I gazed up his long legs to his cock, half-hard and pushed out from his body by his heavy scrotum. I looked further up, my eyes passing over his flat stomach...that X-shaped scar no longer bothered me: it was part of him. When I finally reached his face, he sat down on the futon, completely naked. “Undress for me, my Daniel.”

I was happy to obey. Teal’c enjoys watching almost as much as he enjoys doing, so I took my time, uncovering my body slowly, turning to be sure he got the best view. My shirt fell to the ground and I began to open my trousers watching Teal’c for a reaction. I slid my hand inside, teasing myself and him. As my hand cupped my cock through my briefs, I closed my eyes. Stroking myself, I heard Teal’c growl. I started to open my eyes and found myself dragged down onto the futon and kissed. Thoroughly kissed. Teal’c stripped off the rest of my clothing quickly. His hands were everywhere at once, stroking the sensitive parts of my body. Then he closed his fist around my cock, massaging firmly.

I may have been weak, but that part of me was functioning just perfectly. Long denied, it wasn’t long before I was melting in his arms, striving toward orgasm, close...so close... “Master!” I gasped, pleading.

He stopped. For a moment I was bewildered...and frustrated. But I remembered him doing that to me before. He liked me to be frustrated when I pleasured him.

“How can I serve you, master?” I said. The words might have been subservient, but I looked up at him, making it a challenge.

He kissed me again, opening my lips and filling my mouth with his tongue. God, I wanted him!

“You can begin by relaxing me,” he suggested, rolling over to lie on his stomach. I didn’t need a diagram. We had no oil, which would have made the massage easier, but Teal’c’s skin was smooth under my hands. I love the feel of his skin, like soft velvet over his firm muscles. I stroked his neck and shoulders, kneading out the small tensions I found there, then worked my way lower down his back. He wasn’t that tense. I think it was his way of relaxing me. I leaned over to kiss his back and remembered at the last moment to ask permission first. “May I?”

“As you wish.”

I only intended to kiss, but the scent of him filled me and I had to taste, too. It had been too long, I couldn’t stop at just once. I devoured his flesh hungrily, leaving bruises in places, working my way down his spine. As I reached his ass I could smell his arousal, too. I ran my hands over his buttocks, parting them and ran my tongue up the valley between. He was hot, sweat collecting there.

Teal’c groaned a “Yes!” Encouraged, I sought his anus with my tongue, rimming the tight hole slowly but firmly. I slipped a hand beneath his body to tease his cock while I worked. His tight ring of muscle relaxed under my tongue, opening slightly. I felt Teal’c push toward me and understanding what he needed, I pushed my tongue inside him. I fucked him shallowly with my tongue, stroking his cock slowly, feeling him open for me. Would he want...might he allow me to take him? There was no denying his body wanted it.

I lifted my head to ask. “Teal’c, do you want me to...?”

He rolled over onto his back, the gesture answering the question. “Lie back, my Daniel,” he said, sitting up, “and give me your mouth.”

I wasn’t disappointed. Warmth curled inside me: I love to do that for him. Lying on my back as he directed, I closed my eyes. I could feel him moving above me, and waited, ready for him. The first touch was his fingers on my face, tracing my cheeks and lips. Then I felt his cock slide into my open mouth. Hungrily, I took him into myself. He was thrusting gently into me, controlling what I could do. I know how to please him: he likes to be sucked, but not hard.

I was just getting a rhythm when I felt his lips close over my cock. It was totally unexpected: he had never done that for me before. For a few seconds I forgot what I was doing; his firm thrust into my throat reminded me. Oh, it was special! Slow...we both lasted a long time, each enjoying pleasuring the other. Finally, I couldn’t hold out any longer. I had to come...and the hot stream of Teal’c’s essence filled my mouth in the same moment.

Spent, we lay there, just holding each other. Teal’c kissed me again, then drew back, brushing my cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Why are you crying?” he asked me.

I hadn’t realised until then that I was. “I...I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired.”

“Then sleep, my Daniel.”

I did, safe in the knowledge that he would be there when I woke.

***

_That was yesterday. The romantic dream faded with the sunrise. It’s nice to be romantic occasionally, but I’d be naive to think this story can end with “happily ever after”. We didn’t reach this place by believing in fairy tales, we came here through pain and death._

_With a past like that, the future can only be brighter, surely._

_I know life won’t be easy for us. There are going to be a lot of people who won’t accept our relationship, particularly at the SGC. The military is a horribly homophobic environment. I don’t think the adjustment will be any easier for Teal’c than it was for me. At some point, too, I’m going to have to work things out with Jack. He’s been a good friend, but there’s a barrier between us I don’t like._

_We have a long road ahead. But I’m looking forward to finding out where it leads._


End file.
